Respect can mean many things. It can be bowing to an ASU frat leader. It can mean wearing cologne. It can even mean not bragging about your Bio test after seeing you scored a half point more than your friend. See, if you had decided to be the nudge who shoves your grade in other people’s faces, you wouldn’t be shieldmaxxing. Shieldmaxxing is for people who embody the shield, comprende? We once cut down a perfectly respectable tree in front of the MAC just to stamp the shield on its trunk — if that tree could work for the shield, so can you, my sweet little shieldmaxxer. If I had to put respect into one word, though, it’d be: respect. If I had to choose the top five respect moments at Nobles, the list would go as follows. It is in no particular order, because ranking respect would be disrespectful, which is the opposite of respect. Any of these might be more respect than the other respects. Or less. In all respects, it depends on the respect.
Respect #1: Not Stepping on the Nobles Crest in the MAC
Picture this: you walk into the MAC and see the brand-spanking-new Nobles insignia embedded into the ground being trampled on by some uptight freshman from Rivers. What do you do? You stare in stunned silence as the Dawg Pound slowly consumes him. This is why you always walk around the emblem carefully, reverently, maybe even holding your breath, always making sure to shut your eyes and quietly pray to it: shieldmaxxing. The only physical contact permitted is a light kiss—but carefully, because it’s easy to take it a step too far, and we don’t want to be caught shieldmaxxing all over the floor now, would we? One slip and you’re chow.
Respect #2: Spotting a Teacher in the Gym who just Gave You a 60 on Your Last Test
The gym is a very scary place filled with very heavy things. Like weights. And kettlebells. And also your teacher, who just happened to give you a 60 on your last test. You spot them across the room benching 405 for reps, and on the 11th rep of their 4th set in their 4×12 split, the bar doesn’t come back up. You race over, hurdling over the middle school strength group doing their cat-camels, the chalk holster, and over the one kid who’s in his fifteenth minute of rest between his sets of chatting with his friend. Time slows down. People gasp. You’re there. You and all the creatine in your buff little veins lift that bar off the teacher’s chest, and everyone starts clapping. It’s a universal experience, and it’s the most respect you feel like you’ll ever shieldmaxx. Your teacher stands up, and you dap each other up with an impact frame. God, the respect is OVERFLOWING. You spotted them, then you spotted them. Booyah.
Respect #3: When Head of the Upper School Alison Easterling Lets You Sneak into Assembly at 8:00 a.m.
It’s 7:59 a.m., and your heart’s pounding as your legs pump with all their might to get you to those heavenly assembly doors. As you slowly approach the pearlescent gates, you see the clock strike 8:00. Your heart drops; you’ve already used your last assembly skip, and you know the other non-shieldmaxxers in detention will eat you alive. There’s only one thought running through your mind: it’s over. College, your future, all of it. Down the drain. You throw your bag onto the ground in rage. Then, KABLOOEY: a beam of light. Easterling stands there, illuminated by the fluorescent mercy of institutional forgiveness. That’s shieldmaxxing. She holds the stanchion open for you and steps aside without a word. Internally, you let out a big “Yahoo!” and enter like a redeemed pilgrim who will NEVER be late again. Holy respect.
Respect #4: Staying at Lunch after You’ve Already Finished Eating so that the Person You’re with Does Not Have to Keep Eating Their Meal all by Themselves
We’ve all got that one friend who loves taking their time. They won’t treat their burger like it owes them money; they’ll treat it like a lover. They’ll lightly kiss the lettuce, then, if they’re daring, whisper sweet nothings to the tomato before committing to a bite longer than most of your relationships. Then they chew thoughtfully and reflectively, almost like they’re waiting for the burger to say something back. Meanwhile, you’ve been done for the better part of eight minutes. You are nutritionally complete, spiritually fulfilled, and legally allowed to leave. Yet, you stay. You could walk free into the sunset. But that’d be sub-optimal. Not nearly niche enough. Anti-shieldmaxx-esque behavior. So you stay. Minutes pass. Your fries stiffen. Your posture calcifies. You rot and wither into a skeleton as they continue doomscrolling and making out with their Stay-Tuned burger. Even as your bones begin to crumble, you do not move from your friend’s side. Cold, hard, respect.
Respect #5: Apologizing to a Friend through the School Newspaper after Crashing into their Car while You Went Off-Campus during Community Time
Personally, this is my favorite respect, and everyone else should regard it as such. This is a completely unbiased opinion. There comes a time in every young aspiring Nobles student’s life when a “my bad bro” just isn’t enough. Last week, I made minor vehicular contact with the innocent 2017 440i BMW xDrive of Rayan Salamipour (Class I) on the way to Dunkin.’ It was an accident, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to speed off in a panic before you could get my license plate (which, for the record, I had temporarily removed for aerodynamics … allegedly), and I definitely didn’t mean to accidentally hit you again as I was reversing out of the intersection. Your light was green, mine was red: It was an honest mistake; it happens, and I’m sorry. I also didn’t mean to tell you that you’re delusional and that you shouldn’t press charges; that was also a very honest mistake. Possibly the most honest. Let the record show that I acknowledge traffic laws exist. I acknowledge colors. I acknowledge physics. The bumper may bend, but the shield does not. My apologizing today is shieldmaxxing to the fullest. That is just so much respect. Truly one of the respects of all time.
