It was a spring day like any other. Students played Spikeball on the beach, tanned in Adirondack chairs, and watched the next viral “Nobles Sack” TikTok play out in front of them. It was so quiet, you could hear a frisbee rattle into the tube to win a round of KanJam. It was practically the best day of the year.
And all of a sudden, a shiver went up each student’s spine and goosebumps spidered up their arms as they realized just why their day had been so peaceful. Not a single middle schooler was in sight.
At exactly 8:37 a.m. on Friday, May 22, 2026, the Pratt Middle School officially seceded from the rest of the Noble and Greenough School.
Though the middle schoolers declined to comment on the definition of the word “secede,” they have assured Nobleman officials that they are separating from the rest of the school and establishing an independent nation.
According to a statement released earlier today, the decision came after months of oppression, including but not limited to:
- Not being able to sit next to their best friends in every class (a disruption of the natural balance of society)
- Being asked to wear more than a T-shirt in 20-degree weather (an attack on their culture)
- Upper schoolers not acknowledging middle school-designated lunch tables (psychological warfare)
Leadership will be determined democratically through a formal procedure. A president is set to be elected next week, along with a Supreme Court. The front-runners appear to be the members of the Middle School SLC.
There is a strict border separating high schoolers from the new nation, through which no upperclassmen are permitted to pass. The middle school has claimed its section of campus, located between Baker and the Henderson Arts Center. Crossing requires a passport (middle school student ID) and a brief interview in which you must prove you’re cool enough to enter:
A list of banned infractions in their new republic was just leaked to The Nobleman officials, including offenses such as:
- Walking through the hallways. Everyone must run at a full sprint, no matter how early they are to class.
- Taking only one snack from the bin. Everyone must gather piles of food as if they are about to hibernate for the winter.
- Being interviewed by The Nobleman. Everyone must act like they have too much aura.
Punishments remain unclear, but sources confirm they involve “everyone looking at you weirdly” until you fix your behavior.
Classes still occur, but they now operate under the jurisdiction of the middle school. Class is held on a “whenever we feel like it” system, and new classes have been implemented by popular demand. “Accelerated Brainrot 101” and “Intro to Recess” are just two of the subjects now being offered to students by students who claim to be experts in these fields.
A syllabus for “Intro to Snapchat Quick Add” has just been leaked to the press. It appears they have an upcoming quiz on how to determine one’s self-worth based on their Bitmoji and Snap score.
Allegedly, the new nation feels no hostility towards the upper school. The decision was made because middle school leadership concluded that operating independently would be more efficient and beneficial.
Is it a feasible system? Absolutely not. Will it last? Also no. Once the middle schoolers realize that cutting off contact with the high school also cuts off their access to the Gleason Cafe, diplomatic negotiations will immediately begin.
Deliberation is expected to begin as early as next week, likely centered on a trade agreement regarding access to high school-only events and clubs. For now, it appears that the upper school will just have to do without them.
