I was sitting on the outside patio of Pressed Cafe in Newton with the members of my senior elective, 19th and 20th Century Novel, as we settled in to our “Anna K lunch.” As I brought two hands to my bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich, the blue Frosted Flakes box I was holding fell to the ground. That’s when I felt a cold splash on my back. Immediately, I knew it was all over. Standing above me was my good friend Sierra Munger (Class I) with a phone in one hand and a cup of water in the other. Bam! Just like that, my time in the 2026 Senior Assassin game had come to an end.
Although my time was cut short, I learned a lot while in the game. To start, everyone is your enemy. Period. And the winner? They must be competitive. It takes skill, smarts, and, above all, real drive — the determination to get up early or stay out late, to find your target when they least expect it, to get the kill, and move on to the next round without remorse.
But the intensity of the game has made me wonder, what it would be like if the Nobles faculty were put to war like us in a game of Faculty Assassin. As a first-hand witness to the craziness of this year’s Senior Assassin game, I know the faculty would take it to a whole new level.
Teachers would probably hide in each other’s classrooms or coerce students and advisees to act as bait for their targets. In Faculty Assassin, the rules are, of course, a little bit different from those in Senior Assassin. Academic Campus is a completely valid place to get your target, so faculty members are always on the move, chasing after each other. And we cannot forget the safety items. Round one keeps it simple with a coffee mug; it does have to be full of coffee. Round two ups the stakes a little bit. The safety item is a pink tutu, and yes, it must be worn as a normal tutu would be if you wish to stay in. For round three, you must have five WORKING Expo markers in your hand. And for the final, you have to be holding three or more ungraded tests or assessments that are more than four weeks old.
But the most exciting question in Faculty Assassin is who would be the winner? There are many strong candidates, each who bring their own unique skills to the table. Mathematics Faculty Edward Harvey would use statistical analysis to determine when and where the optimal location for target assassination would be. History and Social Science and English Faculty Michael Denning would draw on his knowledge of military strategies from World War I and World War II, while Classics and Modern Language Faculty Dave Ulrich would seek to apply the skills and techniques of the heroes of antiquity. Maybe Ulrich would use a car trunk like the Trojan Horse, relying on deception and patience to trap his targets. Mathematics Faculty Anna Dolan and English Faculty Kate Blake would probably resort to their unmatched speed and endurance to outrun their assassins. Imagine if they were pitted against each other! Faculty Assassin would be the ultimate race to find out which cross-country coach is faster. Head of School Cathy Hall would focus her efforts on diplomacy, building a broad network of allies. She would also use her position to the best of her ability, calling other faculty members in for “important” meetings, only to trap them and get the kill. Science Faculty Jeremy Kovocas would draw upon his many wild adventures, from fish shopping in Japan to scuba diving in the Galapagos, in hopes that one of these experiences would give him the right skills to win. Maybe he would pull out his scuba gear again and hide from his assassin in the Charles River.
While each of these faculty members, and many of their colleagues, is an optimal candidate for victor of the Nobles Faculty Senior Assassin, there is one teacher who, in my professional opinion, stands above the rest, combining all the skills exhibited by the above individuals into one, deadly assassin. Beth Reilly (N ’87) has everything it takes to be the ultimate Faculty Assassin player. Her immense knowledge of history provides her with an understanding of different war strategies and techniques that would be very useful in this game. Additionally, as a Nobles student-athlete herself, Reilly has both the athleticism and campus familiarity to avoid her assassin while hunting down her target. Her experience as a lawyer makes Reilly an excellent negotiator, able to make deals with allies and opponents alike, while also maintaining the respect of the rest of the school. Reilly also possesses the most important aspect of the Faculty Assassin winner: the self-confidence to get the job done. “I would LOVE to play this and would be extremely motivated to win it. Good, clean, clever, strategic, adrenaline-producing, mischievous fun,” said Reilly. While Faculty Assassin is unlikely to ever become a reality, if the off chance that it does, I suggest you keep one eye on your surroundings and another on Reilly.
