So you have a crush. Cute! Naturally, your next move should be to handle it as chalantly as possible. This guide is a foolproof masterclass on turning a perfectly normal situation into a disaster. Follow these steps carefully if your goal is to make things awkward and irreversible as fast as possible. 

Step 1: Publicly claim him immediately. Waste no time marking your territory. Randomly refer to him as “my boyfriend” in the middle of a free period, even if you’ve only spoken to him three times. Bonus points if he’s standing right there and looks confused. Extra bonus points if you post him on your Instagram story with the caption “hard launch” before he’s even followed you back.

Step 2: Dedicate a song to him in assembly. Take advantage of a perfectly normal assembly and make it deeply uncomfortable for everyone involved. Sign up to perform (band, singing, piano, anything works). Before you start, grab the mic and say, “This one’s for someone really special,” while locking eyes with him from across Lawrence. Choose an extremely “out-there” song, preferably about forever or heartbreak. Extra credit if it’s wildly inappropriate for a school setting. Maintain eye contact the entire time. If he’s visibly panicking, you’re doing it right. Afterwards, act shocked when he doesn’t come up on stage and hug you in front of the entire school. 

Step 3: Insert yourself into his friend group. Start referring to his friends as “our friends.” Sit with them at lunch without asking. Laugh way too hard at an inside joke you don’t understand. Say things like, “He told me all about you guys,” even though he absolutely did not. 

Step 4: Make his schedule your schedule. Announce that you have “synced calendars,” even though he never gave you his schedule. Start showing up everywhere he is, the castle, library, hallway outside his math class, always with an innocent “Oh my gosh, what are the odds?” Squeeze in next to him every time, even when there are clearly open seats available. If he tries to switch tables, follow him. If he asks for space, pretend you didn’t hear him. 

Step 5: Bring him up in conversations where he absolutely does not belong. Casually drop his name in class discussions, group chats, or conversations with people who have met him exactly once. Say things like, “He’s just soooo bad at texting,” or “He hates when I do this,” even though he has never told you that. Act surprised when it somehow gets back to him that you’ve been narrating his life to strangers.

Step 6: Replace his stuff with things you like better. If you’ve made it to this point, you’ve clearly asserted yourself into his life. Decide that his interests are taking up too much space, and that it is time for a redesign. Slowly remove anything remotely athletic or masculine from his life. His team’s sweatshirt? Gone. His water bottle with sports stickers? Replaced with something “cuter” like bows and glitter.If he keeps his stuff in the dorms or a locker, swap out his posters or screen background for pastel colors and inspirational quotes. Act proud of your work and say, “I just wanted it to feel more us.” When he asks where his stuff went, insist you didn’t get rid of it, you just “put it somewhere safe.”

Step 7: Sabotage the meal. Invite him to grab food, or better yet, let him cook for you and act like you are totally easygoing with your diet. Watch him proudly whip up something classic. Just as he’s about to hand it over, subtly mention, “Oh… I forgot to tell you, I’m vegan on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays now.” Watch him sigh and then add in, “Actually, pescatarian on Wednesdays and Fridays, vegetarian on Saturdays and Sundays. Oh, and gluten-free and sugar-free always.” Watch him panic while trying to salvage the meal, and act confused when he doesn’t immediately offer to run to the nearest organic cafe for you. 

Step 8: Make his sibling your personal spy, recruiting them to report back on everything he does at home. Ask what he’s eating, what he’s wearing, who he’s talking to. It’s a foolproof plan to make sure he’s only thinking about you.

Step 9: Text him 37 times in a row. Send one normal text, then immediately send ten more to explain and clarify it. Keep going until he finally replies with “…Ok?” or “Are you serious?” Then, once he opens every single one and doesn’t respond, you immediately start a second wave of texts asking why he’s still ignoring you.

Step 10: Act blindsided when it implodes. When he finally starts pulling away, act shocked. Say things like, “I was just being myself,” and “I don’t understand what I did wrong.” Insist that you were totally normal and that he clearly has commitment issues. End the experiment by telling your friends that he “just couldn’t handle someone who cared too much.” Congratulations, you lost him in 10 simple steps!