This holiday season, so much seems to have disappeared into thin air. The jewels from the Louvre have been stolen. Access to snacks during community time has been withheld. I seem to have misplaced my AirPods. Perhaps your happiness has also dissipated as midterms ravage the Nobles community. Among all the other missing items, one of the Co-Editor-in-Chiefs (EIC) of The Nobleman, Ariel Rabinovich (Class I), is gone.
On the night of November 28, the day after Thanksgiving, he vanished in the dead of night. Rabinovich’s brother, the teary-eyed Guy Rabinovich (Class IV), said, “That morning, I woke up to what was about to be the worst day of my life. I ran to Ariel’s room only to find it completely empty. That’s when I knew something was wrong.”
The Nobleman staff and multimedia team conducted a manhunt the following day to locate Ariel, but came up empty-handed; he was highly elusive. In between our cries of “Ariel, where are you?” we heard an important, muffled noise. We immediately fell silent and listened to the soft strumming of a guitar from far, far away, and a melancholy voice singing along, the melody audibly reverberating across the Atlantic Ocean. “So hard works my poor short soul, oh, the woes of being trapped at the North Pole,” sang the mournful voice.
Aha! This tenacious and troubling tune clued The Nobleman staff in to our Ariel’s precise location: Santa’s Workshop, deep in the heart of the North Pole’s icy climes. We discovered that there is a reason this EIC has not been leaving comments on our drafts or performing in assembly—Ariel has been expertly constructing toys for all the hopeful children around the world, who will wake up to find the products of his diligent efforts underneath their bedazzled trees on Christmas morning.
Why we didn’t think of this sooner, I do not know. How obvious and plain to see: during his slumber on Thanksgiving night, Ariel had been kidnapped, along with tens of thousands of other short people around the world, and flown away on a sleigh to help Santa meet his gift manufacturing quotas.
After noticing Ariel’s absence, The Nobleman began observing the absences of many other vertically-challenged Nobles students and faculty. These people are valued members of the community and have left a pint-sized, yet cavernous void in the hearts of their friends, who deeply miss them.
In between intense sobs, Krissy Gonzalez (Class III) said, “I’m going to miss Lucy Wildeman (Class III) so much during the holiday season. Christmas just won’t be the same without her.” These touching words truly tugged at my heartstrings and made me slightly resent Santa for stealing Nobles’ small scholars.
Despite the intense emotions that have arisen on campus, we must be realistic and honest. Toys still need to be made. Presents under the tree are truly what Christmas is all about. Haven’t you ever seen How the Grinch Stole Christmas? The hundreds of millions of gifts that must be produced for Christmas to be successful are only possible with the unpaid labor of many merry mini manufacturers.
Roger Gao (Class III) said quite plainly, “I’m so glad Caleigh Feng (Class III) is gone. I hope she stays in the North Pole.” Gao says this not because he does not miss Feng, but because he recognizes the importance of Feng’s labor in the big picture: he does not want any children to miss out on the pure joy experienced when opening a hand-crafted gift they did not even want.
This pure joy comes with a serious cost, however. Upon further investigation into the working and living conditions of Santa’s Workshop, The Nobleman uncovered that, in addition to not being compensated for their onerous labor, Nobles’ short students are also forced to work long hours while being exposed to dangerous machinery, eerily similar to the lives of the Lowell mill girls during the Industrial Revolution. We begin to worry for these short students and urge them to exercise caution during their time in the North Pole. We call all Nobles students to action to fight for the labor rights of the vertically disadvantaged (#FightForYourRightToNotBeExploitedBecauseOfYourHeight on social media).
Bereavement. Emptiness. Mourning. Loss. Loneliness. These five relevant and evocative words are the official interim Nobles Core Values. They will stay in place until December 26, 2025, when all of Nobles’ provisional elves will return to campus. Accordingly, The Nobleman wishes these short students well in the North Pole and pleads for the return of our missing EIC.
In other news, Managing Editor Chris Kan has also disappeared, though he is extremely tall, and the reason for his disappearance thus remains a complete mystery.
