The week before Valentine’s Day is a rat race. Many poor souls have temporarily kicked their studies to the curb to ensure that they are not alone and heartbroken on February 14. Just this past Tuesday, I watched a middle school student strategically position himself in the Academic Center, purposefully collide with an unsuspecting girl, help her pick up her dropped school supplies, and then beg her to exchange phone numbers.
This poor soul likely wasn’t as successful as he could have been because his approach was much too passive and lackluster. If he had wished to be more assertive and charismatic, the middle schooler should have hopped in his mother’s car and executed a PIT maneuver to effectively inflict some minor damage upon his crush’s parents’ vehicle. Once his crush inevitably confronts him, he can say, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry I totaled your car and pushed it off a cliff! Want to come to my place later to fill out the insurance claim?” Who needs Cupid when you have the Geico gecko?
The saddening part of all this is that these Herculean efforts have largely been fruitless, with very few attempts resulting in a date. Obviously, this monumental lack of success is not due to Nobles suitors lacking charisma. It can instead be attributed to the bland, uninspired nature of these common date-finding methods.
Presently, these methods only serve a small portion of the population: those who are built like a wall and can easily body others, or those who own cars. All others get humbled. I urge Nobles students who are searching for a date to instead pursue more niche alternatives:
Head to Amazon in search of some enormous weights. I recommend the “Mikolo Power Cage, Power Rack with Cable Crossover System, 1500LBS Squat Rack with LAT Pull Down System, Workout Cage with Pulley System for Fitness Home Gym” lifting contraption. You do not need to purchase this item, which is great given its $499.99 price. Simply navigate to the customer reviews section at the bottom. Upload an attractive photo of yourself, and in your review, give the power cage one star only, captioning it, “This power rack is inadequate. Returning because the 1,500-pound weights were too light.” Then, attach your phone number, and wait a few moments for the tremendous influx of flirty texts to DOMINATE your messages inbox. This is an ultra-niche, so-effective-it-should-be-illegal way of getting dates.
To secure a specific person, try the following:
In the event that you find yourself awake at an ungodly hour trying to complete a homework assignment on a shared Google Doc, check the upper right corner of the page, because there is a chance that your crush’s profile picture is lurking up there. This means your crush is online, toiling away on the same homework assignment. First, locate your future date’s cursor on the document. Then navigate to that part and type, “Hiiiiii. Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” in neon letters, so they can see it. Initiate a conversation, then casually slide your crush a Google Calendar invite for dinner in the Castle on Valentine’s Day evening. This is a foolproof way for procrastinating night owls to land a date without sacrificing their academic prowess.
For those yearning for a subtler option that cannot be tracked in a Google Doc’s version history, join Nobles’ robust Strava community. In order to attract an athlete through this app, you must first upload a tremendously impressive athletic feat. I suggest a world record. Upload your ride home from Nobles on I-95 North to Strava. That special someone is sure to reciprocate your feelings once they see that you “ran” for 20 miles at a one-minute-per-mile pace. Most likely, your comments section will blow up, with offers from D1 colleges, a spot running for Team USA in the 2028 Los Angeles Olympics, a future spot in Heaven from God, and perhaps a Valentine’s date opportunity (I will include a brief disclaimer for this idea, however. Your Valentine’s date may only be interested in you because you hold several world records, and not because of who you are as a person. Your date may also be crabby if they find out you didn’t actually run this well, though that’s on them for having impossibly high expectations).
It has become increasingly difficult to find a date in today’s tempestuous dating climate because there are many competitors out there who have better pickup lines and who can outperform your generic skits. To beat the date-flation, strive to find unique ways to seduce your crush and embody the quality of niche.
