The most sacred bond between bros was outlined in the Constitution of the United States, stating that “thou shalt put his brother before his other.” When a bro violates the Constitution, the obvious solution is to remove the person who made him violate it in the first place. And, to snatch your bro back. The methods below, while unorthodox, are the best chance you have at successfully ruining his Valentine’s Day. These approaches will let you spend the day with your bro instead of him ditching you and forcing you to spend it alone.
#1 – The Switch Up
First, you need to casually ask him where he and his girlfriend are going out to dinner on Valentine’s Day. Next, wait for his girlfriend to leave her phone open, then swipe it quickly. You go to her calendar and change the restaurant location on her phone. On Valentine’s Day, when they show up at different restaurants, they will be confused, angry, and think that they stood each other up. For the second phase of this method, you then have to show up at the restaurant your bro is at and sit down at the table, acting normally. Now, you have a perfect Valentine’s Day date with your bro. This is an incredibly good strategy, with one minor flaw: They could just text each other what happened and spoil all the fun. Unless, of course, you keep his girlfriend’s phone for good.
#2 – Food Poisoning
Since Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday this year, the perfect opportunity to ruin his weekend may materialize on the auspicious Friday the 13th. While at lunch, slip some extra-strength laxatives into his drink and just wait for the magic to happen. In all likelihood, he will be sidelined for the next 24 to 48 hours and won’t be able to leave his house or his toilet until Valentine’s Day is over. An additional benefit is that his girl will be so mad he couldn’t show up to their date, she will most likely end the relationship entirely. This strategy is just plain cruel, but incredibly effective. And it has the bonus that you can emerge as the hero waiting thoughtfully in his bathroom to offer him toilet paper whenever he runs out.
#3 – Kidnapping
First, you need to get a van and hire a getaway driver. You need someone you trust because this method has serious legal implications, but only if you get caught. Then you go to the restaurant he and his girl are eating at, and wait until he uses the bathroom. Once in the bathroom, you barge in and pull a bag over his head, making sure he can’t scream and alert anyone. You drag him into the van through the back door of the restaurant so his girlfriend doesn’t see him as you gently extract him. Then, escape from the restaurant as quickly as possible. His girl will hopefully think he left on purpose and decide to end the relationship then and there. Meanwhile, you have to explain to him that you two should spend a Palentine’s Day together, and he will definitely agree. This is the surefire way to have a pleasant Valentine’s Day with bro, and it may only lead to legal action in the future.
#4 – Steal His Girl, Both Ways
Similar to the last one, this is the best possible way to eliminate his girl from the equation. You stage a kidnapping of his girl the day of Valentine’s Day, short enough time so that the story doesn’t get out. You may realize you actually liked her the whole time, and that is why you felt you needed to break the holiday up. She will develop Stockholm Syndrome and actually become interested in you. You will not only have saved your Valentine’s Day, but also your bros. You kidnapped her and her heart, an unexpected bonus of the interaction. This is by far the most risky and therefore yields the highest reward.
While there are numerous ways to spend Valentine’s Day, it can be agreed upon that it is best spent with your bro. Brothers always come before others, which is why you can take this opportunity to remind him of what a caring friend you are.
