It is without a doubt that the third quarter is the dreariest for Nobles students: Stress is at an all-time high, while the temperature is at an all-time low. However, one thing that has always kept students afloat in joyless January, without fail, is the dynamism and electric nature of assembly, always packed with the wildest dockets, rarely leaving time for extra announcements.
The lingering question has been, how many more performances and announcements will it take before Director of Assembly Programming Michael Polebaum begins to beg people to stop signing up for assembly time? I mean, how else would he be able to actually squeeze in time for Antiques Roadshow?
The current assembly over-signup wave burdens the very few members of the Nobles community who haven’t been able to get up on stage. 15% of the student body hasn’t been able to get even a minute of assembly time and have reported feeling that the 85% of performers and announcement makers in assembly deserve a “sabbatical” to get a long-deserved break. Many parts of that 85% suspect it’s just an excuse for the 15% to get a chance on the docket.
Evan Wei (Class II) came up with a revolutionary proposal: “I think we should specifically make sure they [the 85%] don’t get to assembly on time. [Maybe we could] bribe [Head of Upper School Alison Easterling] to lock the doors earlier.” With these reasonable measures in place, we will ensure that the same 500 students we see regularly on stage are not all in the same assembly, allowing the remaining 200 people who haven’t been as fortunate to get some time in assembly.
Blessing Oloyede (Class II) suggested that because not every student can go up, it might be fair if students didn’t get to go up at all, and the space was reserved only for Polebaum. She said, “Lowkey, I think Polebaum should take over, and just go up there and talk because it isn’t fair to those who want to go up and can’t, so if some of us can’t get what we want, no one should.” With his endless stories about his beloved cat, Alfred, economists predict that Polebaum’s anecdotes may drive up the number of assembly attendees and attract an even larger applicant pool.
Reports indicate that the assembly docket is projected to become so competitive by the end of January that it will supposedly reach an acceptance rate lower than Harvard’s, leading many students to panic and heavily consider finding outside “Assembly Time Counselors” to help them with their assembly time reservation applications.
Google has also reported that ChatGPT rates have skyrocketed due to this influx in sign-ups, with over 600 students in the last week inputting the same exact prompt: “Write me the best possible 650-word essay explaining why I deserve time in assembly and include all of my awards, extracurriculars, and GPA to make it more compelling.”
No reports on the best application have been formally released to the public yet, although Reddit posts recommend being on the lookout for the next assembly to see which applicant pool has been accepted into the highly selective assembly docket.
Hallway chatter has also indicated that the new strategic plan isn’t about school culture and the core values as it is publicized to be. In fact, it’s been revealed that the plan is primarily about making assembly time more available to students and even hiring a team of consultants to help manage overcrowded sign-ups. So, if you’re reading this and you have been blessed with some time in assembly this month, the public is desperately seeking any advice you may have on how to possibly secure an assembly reservation approval. This is not simply just an ask; it is an aggressive plea. Assembly time must be made more accessible to us, the few and unfortunate people who have been dying for a single chance to prove our capabilities and talent on the assembly stage.
