Eli Schotland, Staff Writer
February 14, 2024
Love is difficult. We’ve all been there. Anyone who claims never to have struggled with the pangs of unrequited love is lying. Weep no further! The Nobleman’s secret chemical division has synthesized an aphrodisiac of the highest quality. If your crush does not return your affection, all you have to do is serve them this concoction, and they shall swoon with desire. But it is not so simple. The materials required to brew such a marvelous concoction are neither cheap nor common. I would have sold a list of the ingredients for money, but the Editorial Board tells me that’s “immoral” and “preying on people’s insecurities.”
The first few ingredients are common and can be found at your local CVS. First, fresh cinnamon is key. The heady scents of this most heavenly spice will be sure to create feelings of mutual love between you and your crush. Second, crushed candy hearts. These confectionaries will add delectable flavor and remind your beloved of how sweet you are. Third, rose petals. The natural romantic properties of this flower make it an essential ingredient in any love potion.
Now, there are also more obscure items that must be used to enchant the potion properly. You will need your basic eye of toad and spleen of newt, of course. These two organs serve as a base for most common potions. Without them, the advanced chemical reactions needed to cause the desired effect will not take place. Next, you will need a powdered unicorn’s horn, the most powerful philter known to man. In order to procure it, you must find the long-lost Charles River Unicorn by hunting through the wooded swamps next to the football field. Rumor has it that it feeds only on the magic crabgrass that grows around the entrance to the secret tunnel under the Castle. If you find the tunnel, not only will you get free tuition, but a much-needed unicorn horn as well.
The last ingredient is key. A hair from Dan Halperin’s head. Have you ever wondered why he is bald? It’s because his hair holds magical properties, and for decades students have plucked bits of his locks off to use in love potions of the past. Legend says he still keeps a box housing his few remaining hairs hidden somewhere in the Henderson Arts Center.
So remember, cinnamon, candy hearts, rose petals, eye of toad, spleen of newt, powdered unicorn horn, and hair of Halperin’s head. Take them all and toss them into a cauldron of boiling water, making sure to only stir clockwise. After an hour, the mixture will turn reddish-pink and begin to sparkle, a sure sign that you’ve done your job right. Store it in the Castle overnight and then give it to your crush the next day.
Consuming raw or undercooked magical substances, animal parts, raw chicken, shellfish, or eggs may increase your risk of foodborne illness, especially if you have certain medical conditions (i.e pregnancy, being a freshman, taking Honors Chemistry, etc). The Nobleman is not responsible for any injury, death, or other unintended consequences.
(Photo Credit: Zack Mittelstadt)
