Sports betting is all the buzz around campus nowadays. Many students have expressed their shock at how these online sportsbooks “basically pay you to play,” and how there is “no risk at all!” Intrigued, The Nobleman decided to investigate sports betting and find out if it is truly a risk-free way to make some extra cash. Our goal? Make $50 on Fluffy—a popular sports gambling website—using only free Fluffy dollars. The findings of Staff Writer Chris Kan are reported below.
Feb 1, 2025 | 2:13 p.m. I’ve been tasked with making $50 on Fluffy before Valentine’s Day (in exactly two weeks). I don’t actually watch any spectator sports, so this task is quite daunting.
Here’s my plan: I will spend the first five days researching the best sports betting strategies. After these five days, I will have accumulated exactly five Fluffy dollars in my account (Fluffy pays users one Fluffy dollar every day). With the remaining nine days, I will begin placing bets with these five dollars—using the appropriate strategies—and will grow my funds at an exponential rate of approximately x1.3 each day. Accounting for the free Fluffy dollars I will receive over these subsequent nine days, and for any unforeseen setbacks, I will have earned exactly $50 by February 14.
Feb 5, 2025 | 12:52 p.m. My five days of sports betting research are up. By far, the most well-cited strategy I have discovered is the so-called “Martingale System.” In this system, one must double their bet after every loss in order to eventually win big and turn a profit. According to Investopedia, “Only one good bet or trade is needed to turn your fortunes around.” This strategy is absolutely foolproof.
Feb 6, 2025 | 1:16 p.m. Woe unto this world! I tried the Martingale System starting with 25 cents and inexplicably lost four times in a row. Clare and Owen are going to kill me! What should I do?
Feb 6, 2025 | 3:05 p.m. I know that Clare said I’m not allowed to invest any of my own money into this, but desperate times call for desperate measures. For the sake of the truth, I need to find out if it’s possible to profit by betting on sports. For the sake of the greater good, I must deposit more funds into my Fluffy account.
Here’s the rub: I need to age-verify my account in order to deposit funds, and age-verification necessitates taking a picture of a valid adult ID and submitting a selfie of the person in the ID. Fortunately, I have formulated a master plan to circumvent these otherwise impenetrable defenses. When I get home tonight, I will steal my mom’s driver’s license and take a picture of it. To get the selfie, I will tell her that I am doing a “school project” (which is technically true) and get her to take the selfie herself!
Feb 6, 2025 | 8:05 p.m. I have done it. I now have unlimited funds to enact the empirically verified, tried-and-true Martingale System! I will make that $50 in no time at all.
Feb 7, 2025 | 1:05 a.m. I’m in the black, baby! The Martingale System—as was expected from the beginning—worked like a charm, and I am now $57 richer. I’m actually a really talented sports-better, I guess. It’s all just numbers and simple probabilities! Who knew?
Feb 7, 2025 | 7:05 a.m. I have successfully answered the question of whether or not it is possible to make a profit on Fluffy. The answer is—invariably and definitively—yes. However, a naturally proceeding question now begs to be answered: How much money can one make on Fluffy? At this rate, I will have made thousands of dollars by the 14th! The Nobleman must investigate this inquiry.
Feb 7, 2025 | 9:50 a.m. O what a rogue and peasant slave am I! Fortune—fickle strumpet that she is—spits at my feet. O wretched fate, I hath come undone!
Feb 7, 2025 | 10:15 a.m. No matter, setbacks are a natural part of the process. I just need to keep doubling my bet until I win it all back. Math is on my side!Feb 14, 2025 | 3:16 a.m. I am irreversibly ruined. My Fluffy balance? Zero. My bank account? Overdrawn. My mother? Furious. Clare and Owen? Utterly disappointed in my failure to uncover the realities of online gambling. Alas, now we will never truly know how much money one can make on Fluffy! (The record to beat is $57.)
