Young love is a double-edged sword; though it can be beautiful, it has also led to the ruin of many a poor soul. When Eros strikes your heart—or, as the kids nowadays would put it, when you are “down bad for a boo-ting, respectfully”—all reason, morality, and concern for reputation are lost. Paris of Troy was so “down bad” for Helen that he kidnapped her, incited a 10-year war, and effectively destroyed his beloved city-state. Alas, we have all been there. So what “down bad” things have Nobles students done for love?
Unrequited, desperate infatuation is a universal experience. Even so, many students were reluctant to share “down bad” stories involving themselves or their friends. “Sorry, I don’t want to get anyone in trouble,” Joya Wang (Class II) said. Some students even expressed legal concerns. “After consultation with an attorney, I am electing to exercise my Fifth Amendment right at this time,” Tomas Hernandez (Class II) said. Evidently, many Nobles students have committed unspeakable and perhaps even incriminating acts in pursuit of their love interests.
Love and law come most directly into conflict when love crosses grade lines. “I mean, when you really think about it, I’m only three years older than her. A 30-year-old asking a 27-year-old out to prom wouldn’t even be crazy,” an anonymous Class I student said. Although we have chosen to keep this student’s identity confidential, they have been reported to the proper authorities.
Many helpful tools provided by Nobles actually aid and abet the commitment of “down bad” acts. The Nobles app is one such enabler. “I spend hours gazing into his eyes on the Nobles app directory. Thank you, Noah Brauner, for bringing us closer together,” one Class III student said.
Nobles’ Google Calendar system, although undoubtedly useful for scheduling meetings with teachers and classmates, can also be used by students to stalk their crushes. “Boy, oh boy. Where do I even begin? I skip class to go to his lunch block. I wait outside his classroom for the chance to catch his eye or brush his arm. He’s my everything, my sunshine, my honey, my pookie bear,” a Class VI student said. The Nobleman implores the administration to consider the abolition of these aforementioned tools.
Most “down bad” moments disclosed by students were far too disturbing for print. A redacted account of one such incident is provided below:
“There are times when the going is simply too tough. My love is a fever, longing still for that which longer nurseth the disease. My thoughts as madmens’ are… So here’s what I do:
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and then I wake up in a cold sweat, my face covered in hummus and mayonnaise, my socks soaking wet. It’s no replacement for actually talking to her, but it’ll have to do.”
Given its observed prevalence, The Nobleman sees it fit to provide advice to those afflicted with the “down bad” condition. As Sigmund Freud would suggest, the pain of being “down bad” stems from a conflict between one’s “id”—the source of primitive impulse and impassioned love—and one’s “superego,” the moral compass that looks on in horror as love begins to overpower reason and ethic.
To resolve this conflict, one must channel their impulsive id into more socially acceptable activities. Instead of asking someone two grades below you out on a date, channel your passion into lifting weights, learning how to paint, or practicing an instrument—all your strife will assuredly fade away!
