Kate McLaughlin, Staff Writer
February 9, 2024
As January brings the promise of change in the new year for so many hopeful individuals, students across the nation face one question: what can I wear to survive? A matter of life and death, their insufficient wardrobes leave too much in the hands of New England winter, too many innocent souls at the mercy of ruthless weather patterns and failed prospective snow days. Indeed, Dr. Hall’s “Happy almost-snow day!” remains an eerie remark in these mournful and dark times.
This threat to the future of our kind has only one solution: a new wardrobe. What better way to fight Dedham’s frozen roads and biting winds than new clothes? Ravaging stores nationwide, gifting everything but fashionable winter clothes last holiday season, oblivious mothers leave shelves stocked with mittens and hats for the taking. The time is now.
Perhaps the most imminent threat to our community this winter is the annual return of ashen paleness to the once-bronze bodies of so many. Delusion is dangerous, fake tanner has never looked real, and orange streaks are appealing to nobody. For the sake of the student body, save your Cheeto-era for prom.
It is no secret that we are all ashy and in desperate need of exfoliation and moisturization. My solution? This winter, fight the epidemic of flaking elbows with SKIMS. Invest in long-sleeved shirts and full-length pants in your skin tone. These clothes will hide the true nature of the paleness plaguing your cold skin. Bodysuits? Even better.
It’s equally important to accessorize after disguising your sickly appearance. The more interesting the outfit, the warmer you will be. Allow your inner expression to overcome any threat the outdoors may pose. From the nostalgia of summer camp, worn by many counselors and many more campers, embody the warmth of summer with the timeless mankini. Perhaps nothing is more appealing than this fashion-forward accessory on a single-digit January day. Not too revealing with just the right show of skin, this outfit will turn heads and show off the benefits of your winter skincare routine! Jaws will drop and eyebrows will raise. Yes, detentions might be issued and parents might be called, but nothing great was ever achieved without risk. There’s no room for such silly stressors in these interminable months.
And what about shoes? What will save us from the mortal embarrassment of slipping by the library windows? What will shield us from the shame and isolation of eating dirt by the senior section? Nothing beats Birkenstocks in New England winters.
Now, I’m not talking about those close-toed clogs from colonial times, made for walking through rows of corn in Plymouth village. Fur-lined in an almost implausibly wide variety of colors, the classic Birkenstock sandals are your best bet against ashen ankles. With undeniable arch support, stun the cold in lime green or pink fuchsia this winter.
As students nationwide lie anxiously in bed, afraid to leave the warmth of their sheets, plan accordingly with your new winter wardrobe. Save your life and your dignity, by staying warm, moisturized, and gorgeous during these strenuous months.
(Photo Credit: Zack Mittelstadt)
