Sienna Robertson, Staff Writer
December 8, 2023
Are you dreading the cold, gray finale of the first semester? Have you been pulling all-nighters in hopes that sleep deprivation will somehow fix your final semester grade? The Nobleman has a solution for those of you who answered “yes” to these questions. With the holidays approaching soon, gift-giving has been rated as the second most successful activity in improving one’s grade (second to studying). We created this hefty guide, which features five gift ideas certified by scientists, who have been dedicated to improving high school students’ grades since the early 20th century. These gifts have been proven to increase your grade instantaneously*.
Disclaimer: Not every gift has a successful outcome (1 of every 600 Nobles students receives positive feedback).
*Time is relative.
Gift #1: A pillow (Optional: Wet it with your tears!)
According to past gift-givers, this gift can significantly boost your grade. The teacher receiving the pillow will not be able to even tell that it was in your possession originally, since it has likely never been used. Who has time to sleep with weekly AP Euro tests? Insomnia is a serious medical problem, and we are 97% sure that no teacher wants to be the cause of it. So, this gift to your teacher is, in actuality, an extra throw pillow and a reminder of their offenses.
Gift #2: A weighted blanket
The weighted blanket is a gift that has been carefully curated to be a game changer for the gift receiver, regarding the hours of sleep that they get at night. For Nobles students, we would suggest that you withstand any urges to keep the blanket for yourself. The weighted blanket will be greatly appreciated by your teachers. We suggest gifting your first-period teachers this blanket, considering they’ll be pinned down by comfort and may simply forget about teaching for a bit.
Gift #3: Gallon of Sprite paired with a Home Depot bucket filled with gummy bears
We do not suggest gifting this to any other teacher besides Oris Bryant, primarily because you will get a very weird look from any other teacher. Definitely gift these items to Bryant, though! Whether your goal is as impossible as making the Boys’ Varsity Basketball team or getting your HHC essay back within 3 months, this double-decker gift will make any impossibility for Bryant possible. If you’re concerned about providing a gallon of soda to an adult, do not fret! Bryant’s body is said to be roughly 70% Sprite instead of water.
Gift #4: An apple
An oldie, but goodie. Teachers love apples! Scientists have not come to a conclusion as to why teachers enjoy them so much. One can infer that it is because one of these scarlet fruits a day “keeps the doctor away,” and teachers appreciate that their students care about their health so much that they would offer them the remedy of all remedies—a passing grade.
Gift #5: A cozy cardigan
This final gift works primarily on the English Department. Some students can recall seeing their English teachers shivering in the Academic Center classrooms and possibly developing hypothermia from the cold. Unbeknownst to the teachers, this chill that they’re feeling is not even remotely real and the students in the classroom are actually burning from the heating system. This is why we recommend a cozy cardigan to give to your English teachers, mainly for a placebo effect. They’ll be extremely thankful for your thoughtfulness and throw in an A or two on your essays.
(Photo Credit: Avery Winder)
