President Donald Trump recently unveiled a bold new policy agenda this week, promising to “Make America the Greatest Again” by September. As Nobles students return to campus in the fall, they can expect to see a broad range of reforms, as Trump described on his favorite app, Truth Social. “People are always asking me, ‘Mr. President, how do we fix America?’ I tell them it’s simple. Just do everything I say,” Trump said. In this way, Trump’s new set of reforms will have an extraordinary impact on American society.
The first of these policies is a 500% tariff on all imports from China. Keeping in line with his current 145% tariff on the Asian nation, this increase will continue bolstering the already strong American economy. The White House clarified that the new tariff will apply to everything from electronics to fortune cookies, as they are clear tools of propaganda. The only caveats to this tariff are everyone’s favorite red MAGA hats, as they are vital to the American public. To address concerns over inflation, the administration announced a public campaign encouraging Americans to embrace domestic alternatives such as homemade smartphones powered by optimism and elbow grease. To this extent, these tariffs on China will also have the added benefits of building the sheer grit of the American people.
The second major reform is purchasing Europe, returning to the WWI era of imperialism. Frustrated with NATO, trade disagreements, and the pronunciation of “croissant,” the administration has announced plans to acquire Europe in what is being described as the largest real estate deal in world history. Of course, this purchase means that Europe will become the new largest Trump hotel and Buckingham Palace the new Mar-A-Lago. This expansion will have virtually no ethical implications, as lowly Europeans will have the chance to join the beautiful American people. “I mean, who doesn’t want to be a part of this great nation?” Trump said. Expanding to Europe will also ensure that the American economy continues to reign supreme. In conjunction with the tariffs on China, this reform will effectively leverage the European economies and make the already-potent United States an absolutely dominant economic powerhouse.
In line with these expansionist ideologies, Mexico and Canada will also become the 51st and 52nd states, as “North North Dakota” and “Super South Dakota” for ease of naming. To make governance easy, both of these new states will be ruled by Trump himself, and the mandatory and only language spoken will be American. International backlash has been, and will likely continue to be, minimal, largely because the administration has declared all foreign criticism to be technically domestic now that North America is, in effect, one country. New school textbooks will reflect these changes, as events like the Mexican-American War will be taught as misunderstandings that occurred during early naming negotiations. The annexation of Canada and Mexico offers additional advantages, including expanded access to strategic maple syrup reserves, year-round beachfront property, and a 200% increase in golf course development.
Domestically, to streamline the government, the Trump administration has also eliminated the House of Representatives and the Senate. This policy will allow Trump to ensure the efficacy of his actions and promulgate his idea of “Making America the Greatest Again.” This reform also aligns closely with his pre-election goals of making the government as efficient as possible. By guaranteeing that everyone concurs with his ideologies, Trump will minimize the possibility of disagreement and make his already swift decision-making process even faster. With regards to the Constitution and the idea of “checks and balances,” the administration insists that this reform is not a rejection but rather an evolution of the principle. Through the consolidation of power into a single, highly efficient branch of government, Trump is effectively “checking” inefficiency and “balancing” the burdens of decision-making on his own extremely capable shoulders.
Though Pope Leo XIV was chosen on May 8, 2025, this election was clearly rigged as the global Catholic population was robbed of the true pope. Being the global hero he is, it is only right that President Trump is the next pope. While technically not Catholic, Trump has highlighted that he is “spiritually overqualified.” Even though he has not officially outlined his goals as the pope, it is safe to surmise that his papacy will make Heaven the second Greatest place for humanity to reside, only behind America. To this extent, Pope Leo XIV should immediately hand over his position as pope to the true successor, President Trump.
In just a few months, Nobles students will return to campus, and Americans, along with much of the world, can look forward to living under a bold new vision: one nation, under Trump, indivisible, with luxury golf resorts and tariffs for all. From redefining democracy in the name of efficiency to instituting himself as Pope, Trump’s reforms will undoubtedly change the meaning of greatness. Whether you’re a student returning to school or a newly defined American citizen, one thing is clear: the future of the United States under President Donald J. Trump will be absolutely unprecedented.
