BOOM… KABLAMO! The College Essay strikes fear in the hearts of all high schoolers. After proving that one is capable of attending college with grades and test scores, one must also prove that they are “interesting” enough to attend. But alas, sometimes people are just not that interesting. Is college a Calvinistic paradise fit only for those preordained with the right passions? Of course not! Like the old adage goes, you just need to fake it (your personality) ’til you make it (into college). As an uninteresting person myself, here are some helpful tips on how to fabricate the perfect persona that will have essay readers falling in love with “you.”
Before even putting pen to paper, the easiest way to make yourself more interesting is by expressing interest in a niche major: Fermentation, Auctioneering, and Floral Management are some safe bets. Alternatively, though it takes slightly more finesse, express a desire to “change the world” through majors such as Environmental Science, Social Studies, or Psychology. If you are anything like me, this is all just a ruse, of course. After bamboozling your way into the prestigious university of your choice, you will easily find a real job as a management consultant, corporate lawyer, or in whatever job is making the most money in four to five years.
After selecting a major, the next important step is writing a memorable opener for your essay. When writing an opener, keep in mind that your essay is just one in a hundred essays an application reviewer might see in a week. Thus, it is imperative that your opener really grabs the reader’s attention. Using rhetorical devices such as onomatopoeia or rhyme is a great way to do this: “POW, BANG-BANG! Listen here; lend me your eyes and ears, Sally. My name is Chris, and here’s why I’m perfect for the University of Cali (fornia Santa Barbara).” This example essay opener takes a gamble on the fact that the reader’s name is Sally. Keep in mind that it would be super memorable for a college admissions officer if their very own name were in your essay.
Next, it’s time to showcase who you are by writing about your hobbies and extracurricular activities. Oftentimes, essay readers condense interesting applicants into one unique aspect of their identity or experiences. In the minds of these readers, complex individuals are reduced to the “Skydiving Kid,” the “Kid who Does Powerlifting,” “Biology Kid,” etc. Unfortunately, if there is more than one “Skydiving Kid” applying to the same college, a reader might confuse the Skydiving Children, giving each of them a slight disadvantage.
With this in mind, make sure that the hobbies or activities you write about cannot possibly be written about by another applicant. This requires a lot of creativity, but here is one example to get you started: “My name is Chris, and I am a competitive paddy rice farmer. As I found out in the Summer of ’97, life is kind of like paddy rice farming.” This is a good example because it is unlikely that any other high schoolers were alive in the Summer of ’97.
When writing about your extracurriculars, it is also imperative to emphasize the initiative and leadership that you bring to the table. Using buzzwords like “president,” “captain,” “editor,” and “founder” is one quick and easy way to gain some quality leadership experience: “Hi Sally. What is your favorite proteolytic enzyme? Wow, me too! Haha, we must be soulmates or something? Anyways, since Metalloproteases are my favorite proteolytic enzymes, I am the PRESIDENT of the Metalloproteases CLUB at my school. Additionally, I am the FOUNDER and EDITOR-IN-CHIEF of The Digestive, the official student-run proteolysis MAGAZINE at my school.” For extra emphasis, make sure that you underline or bold the words that showcase your best leadership qualities.
While most of these tips are focused on maximizing your memorability, it’s also crucial to show colleges that you are a kind and genuine person. This, of course, is the most challenging part of the application and may require extensive research. However, one good place to start is with community service or charitable donations. To ensure this isn’t a total waste of your time, consider using a donor-advised fund so that your generosity is also tax-deductible. Alternatively, consider asking your beneficiary for a letter of recommendation.
In sum, the college application process can oftentimes feel like a rat race, and that’s because it is a rat race. However, if you trick the other rats into thinking that you are unique and genuine, you will get the cheese, and all your toil will have been worthwhile. One must imagine the Rat happy.