Owen Harrington, Staff Writer
March 8, 2024
Despite the introduction of the infamous “soft start” this year, students often find themselves running through the halls to arrive at class in the nick of time. At a full sprint, two minutes is more than enough time to get virtually anywhere on campus, but one factor can hold you up in the halls, leading to an uncomfortable conversation with your dean about your growing number of unexcused tardies. Slow walking is a growing epidemic around campus as students feel the fatigue of the third quarter, but here are some tips that you can use during your next encounter with a gang of lollygaggers.
The first option is the classic hallway overtake: just wait for an opening in traffic and go for it. Practice your speed walking as you cruise past the group of sixies meandering their way back to Pratt after visiting the school store. There are, of course, downsides to this tactic as, for a second, it may seem that you are chasing after the person in front of you, but the momentary embarrassment is preferable to the consequences of missing classes. This option also requires a wider hallway that is not packed full of people and, therefore, may not be appropriate for certain instances.
Another option is the controversial shove aside. Perfected on the busy sidewalks of New York, this technique allows you to overtake any slowpoke while also sending a clear message of discontent. Just pick up your speed, lower your shoulder, and body them into the wall as you whizz right past. This works very well on middle schoolers, who are easily moved out of the way due to their lower moments of inertia. But, with enough confidence, this method can also work on walkers double your size. Ideally, avoid using the shove aside on your teachers, as it will probably not go over well when you see them later in class, but if you’re trying to get to a test on time, it still might be a viable option. The Nobleman does not condone violence.
Third, the flat tire method is an age-old skill perfected by most before graduating from elementary school. This technique may not be very effective at overtaking the dawdler in front of you but will teach them a lesson for clogging up the halls. If this is a path you decide to go down, please be aware that just one unprovoked flat tire could lead to an ongoing war between you and your target, which will certainly end in the collapsing of your shoe heels. If you accept this challenge, I’m happy to offer boot options that will defend you from a flat tire attacker.
Another option addresses the root of the slow walking issue. Often, these stragglers are moving so slowly because they are actively texting or watching TikTok rather than keeping aware of their surroundings. This is where the untested—but highly anticipated—Stossel method can come into play. If you notice a slow walker glued to their cell phone, simply run up behind them, knock the device out of their hands, and rush away so you can make it to class. If done correctly, you can flee the scene before anyone knows what happened, and the sudden event will force the slow walker to reevaluate their use of technology in the halls.
Hopefully, some of these methods will help you beat this rapidly spreading epidemic of slow walking in order to keep the hallways moving smoothly for the remainder of the year.
(Photo Credit: Zack Mittelstadt)
