Kate McLaughlin, Staff Writer
March 8, 2024
In today’s hyper-branded society, where consumer goods are all the rage and others’ opinions are just as influential, there is one item that says it all: the water bottle. Yes, it may just be a piece of plastic that keeps you hydrated, but your water bottle also reads the essence of your soul and brands the fabric of your identity.
If you drink from the oversized gallon jug, you’re either a serious athlete or you’re compensating for something. You need everyone to know that you work out, and you can’t imagine a world in which people think you are dehydrated. You probably only get through half in one day, but as long as it appears that you’re drinking water, you don’t care. The impractical nature of this water bottle only draws more attention to your superior hydration habits and commitment to athletics. It looks great alongside your Blender Bottle, too.
If you drink from a Nalgene, you’re practical, efficient, and a tad uninspired. Hydration is a common routine, and you were probably among the first people to ever drink water. You were also likely one of Costco’s first customers, where you bought your Nalgene in a two-pack. You don’t mind the many scratches and musty film that cover the ancient artifact, as its only purpose is to transport water into your mouth.
If you drink from a Hydro Flask, you are emotionally attached to your water bottle. You can’t go anywhere without it. Whether because of your commitment to proper hydration or your lack of companionship in life, your Hydro Flask never leaves your side. Lonely or not, you know healthy hydration habits and never stop drinking water. Your Hydro Flask is undoubtedly decorated with friendship bracelets and silly bands, and it’s probably pastel pink or blue. You love the color, as it reminds you of summer afternoons at camp. Your Hydro Flask has seen the lightest of days and the darkest of nights.
Now, if you drink from a Stanley, you are the epitome of basic. You saw Regina George drinking from a bright pink Stanley, so you bought a bright pink Stanley. There’s no better feeling than buying the next hot thing, following the crowd, and joining the masses in consumer shopping. The joy you get from this coveted prize outweighs the frustration of waiting in Target checkout lines. Any concern for your poor spending habits falls by the wayside of new shiny objects, and you’re deathly afraid of losing this precious water bottle.
If you drink from an Owala, you are type A. Your writing utensils are probably color coordinated, as well as your folders, binders, and notebooks. You read every word of the textbook homework for AP Euro, even when it exceeds 20 pages and proceed to gatekeep your notes. Occasionally, you fill this water bottle with an electrolyte packet to wash down your daily probiotic. It doesn’t actually benefit your health, but the effort of high achievement matters more than legitimacy.
Whether you’re an overcompensating athlete, a basic snowflake, or an academic machine, at least now you’re aware of the alarming truth behind water bottles. The brand is a gospel of personal identity, reading who you’ve been, who you are, and who you always will be. But remember, in the greater scope of life, it’s just as important to drink water. With these insulting yet sincere stereotypes, stay hydrated!
(Photo Credit: Avery Winder)
