When Simulation Becomes Reality: A Reprehensible Resolve to Fantasy Football

Emma Sawatsky, Staff Writer

October 20, 2023

As fall air becomes crisp and the leaves start to turn, a harrowing fantasy football season is at the forefront of students’ minds. Player statistics take precedence over homework, and Sunday afternoons are consecrated by the National Football League. For some, fantasy football is an inconsequential outlet for friendly competition. However, for those with a competitive edge, there is a looming threat of punishment that the league loser must survive at the season’s conclusion. It’s never too early to begin scheming for next year, so here are some ideas from the student body:

IHOP: Tormented by a tried and true classic, this league’s loser will spend 24 hours in an International House of Pancakes. The vanquished will summon stoicism and tenacity as they conquer each stack, for each pancake consumed reduces the sojourn by one hour. Masquerading as a pancake lover’s dream, this excruciating challenge is sure to encourage self-reflection with every bite.

Milk Mile: After a tumultuous fantasy season, one devastated member of your league must complete the Milk Mile. Four laps, four gallons of milk–a disastrous resolution, to say the least. Chased by haunting memories of incomplete passes, each step is fueled by the rich, creamy beverage that went down only moments before. Obstacles abound in what is revered as the ultimate athletic contest of your Nobles career. Prior training is strongly recommended and highly encouraged before the big day.

Buzz Cut: Distress is omnipresent as the clippers make contact and your luscious locks cascade to the ground. For the next few months, each individual you meet will know of the poor decision-making that led you to this compromised state. Heads will turn in the halls, slack-jawed as they absorb the consequences of your failed season. Without the hair or the pride you once held sacred, you have no choice but to forge onward.

Heist the Nobles-Milton Trophy: A potential one-way ticket to Head of School Cathy Hall’s office, this perilous task will require stealth and speed to complete. Though students proficient in acrobatics or parkour may find an easier path to success, anyone is capable of rising to the occasion. In implicating our bitter Mustang rivals, the jury is out as to whether this is a demonstration of school spirit or the ultimate act of defiance. If you consult the administration, the latter assumption may be more plausible. 

Ghost Pepper: Measured at 1 million Scoville heat units, the Ghost Pepper challenge truly brings the heat. Though it might sound daunting, physical pain of this caliber will surely distract from your post-defeat emotional turmoil. As the oils diffuse into the air, crowds will gather in hazmat suits to witness this takedown. Your mind, body, and soul will transcend a new realm of suffering as you spiral into an existential crisis–death by vegetable, anyone? 

[REDACTED]: Blindfolded, you stumble into [REDACTED] wearing nothing but [REDACTED]. Petrified and shaking, you hear a spine-chilling scream resonating from [REDACTED] to [REDACTED]. You plug your ears and continue on, knowing that you must [REDACTED] for any hope of putting this disastrous fantasy season behind you. You cry out desperately for help, but  [REDACTED]  and you can’t seem to  [REDACTED]  so you [REDACTED] before [REDACTED] can [REDACTED]. [REDACTED]! [REDACTED]! Finally, a haunting silence prevails. The deed is done.

(Photo Credit: Zack Mittelstadt)

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