What It Takes To Be On The Nobleman

Matt Anderson, Layout Staff

October 20, 2023

Every spring, The Nobleman opens its doors to applicants who seek to fill its highly coveted positions. Naive, innocent sophomores—and some juniors—never realize what they’re getting into. After enduring the trials by fire, here is my insight into what it takes to be on The Nobleman.

Right off the bat, to boost your chances of being accepted onto The Nobleman’s staff, you can join Imani, Nobles’ school-wide singing group for multicultural and gospel music. The Nobleman’s Faculty Advisor Michael Polebaum, a proud Imani singer, was overheard saying, “Of course, coming to Imani helps your chances. Do you really think this is a meritocracy?”

Now that 94% of readers have stopped reading, I can warn you about the more grave dangers of The Nobleman. For prospective applicants, ensure your historical and political knowledge is up to date with the last 3000 years or so. Polebaum, also an AP Euro teacher, tends to throw curveball questions into your in-person interview that largely influence your acceptance. Eli Schotland (Class II) said, “Mr. Polebaum asked me who the last emperor of the Roman Empire was. It came out of left field, but I’m grateful I was thinking about the Romans during class earlier and knew the answer.”

In the unlikely case that you survive Polebaum’s passion for history, you should begin to study for the entrance exam. Upon walking into the class, you will be handed a 50-question trivia quiz on previous editions of The Nobleman. If you find yourself below Polebaum’s score—a 100—you are politely asked to pack your bags, leave, and never return.

(Photo Credit: Avery Winder)

Not only is being on The Nobleman intellectually taxing, but it is also physically demanding. The hours are rough, and you’ll find yourself working through the night until the sun leaks through your window, much like your tears leaking onto the latest edition of The Nobleman. After reporting not having slept in days, an anonymous Nobleman writer said, “My life has lost all meaning. I am just a cog in the machine. Mom, Dad, is that you?” (It wasn’t—rather, it was their managing editor telling them to get back to work.)

Finally, you must sharpen your poker skills if you want to survive the Friday Night Poker in the Castle study room. If you don’t know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em, you may be forced to perform unspeakable chores and punishments. Indeed, I have witnessed people forced to write every article for an edition, do the editor’s laundry for the week, and even steal all of the [REDACTED] around campus running around in [REDACTED]. A former Nobleman photographer said, “They ruined me. My life has never been the same since the incident.”

If you are reading this, that means it’s too late. Please heed my warnings.

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