by Christopher Tillen, Staff Writer, December 2021

Have you ever carefully analyzed the wonderful items that we grace with our butts daily? As a chair connoisseur, I certainly have. I have traveled far and wide in order to garner the ultimate ranking of the many chairs at this institution. I will sit on each chair for two minutes and then provide a complex analysis of the Gluteus Support Mechanism, giving it a ranking from one to ten. 

The gyrating stools in the Academic Center (AC): 

These stools only made it onto the list so I could criticize them. What an absolute waste of material, space, time, energy, and love. Nothing has ever offended me more than these absolute jokes. They look ridiculous, they are hard to sit on, they lack back support, and they are a disgrace to this beautiful country. I couldn’t even stay sitting on them for two minutes because I was so disgusted. They don’t even get a point. 0/10.

The Folding Chairs in the Morrison Athletic Center (MAC): 

While convenient and easy to store, these chairs just don’t cut it for comfort. After two minutes on one of these chairs, I felt my back cramp and my glutes cry out in despair. Not only are these chairs painful, but they are also fragile. How many broken folding chairs have you seen in your day? Too many. For convenience, they get a 2/10. 

The chairs in the basement of Shattuck: 

In math this year, I have been sitting in a chair that can only be described as childish. Quite literally, this chair matches the horrific pain I endured during my elementary school years. This small chair also cracks as easily as a crisp saltine. We are adults, and we deserve comfortable chairs. As soon as I began the two minutes of testing I felt sadness wash over me. 2.5/10.

Henderson Arts Center (HAC) Orchestra Chairs: 

To put it simply, these chairs are mid. Not painful, not comfortable. Just mid. There’s nothing special so they receive an equally bland 5/10.

“Regular” AC Chairs: 

Amidst the wonderful and unique chairs of the library, there are the basic chairs in the quiet room and the meeting rooms. They’re sturdy and they get the job done. But, they aren’t amazing either. Nothing more to be said, 6/10.

The Rolling Chairs in the AC: 

An almost wonderful chair. These have a comfortable, flexible seat and a vibrant blue color. Let me not forget that they roll for easy access to any part of the classroom. But unfortunately, I’m not done yet. The back support is abysmal. I want to give this chair a high score so badly, but the pain in my back is soul-crushing.  6/10.

The High Stool Chairs in the AC:

A controversial chair, these almost feel too high. Going into my two-minute trial I was ready to give this chair a measly 3/10. But when I sat down I began to feel a new sensation of power from the height. They work perfectly with the bar in the library and the red cushions were an additional bonus. A surprising 7/10. 

The Old HAC Lobby Chairs: 

These chairs will always have a place in my heart. Their familiar blue cushions comfort both my soul and my body. Where they fall apart is that… they fall apart. So many armrests on these chairs simply fall off the chair. What is a good comfy chair without armrests? Sadly, the armrest problem takes these venerable beauties down to a 7/10. 

The Folding Chairs in the MAC that have cushions: 

Now compared to the other folding chairs, these are excellent. The beautiful cushion donned with the Nobles “N” makes me feel like royalty as I go to take a leisurely seat. During the two minutes, I felt comfortable. The metal frame provided much-needed support. A solid 8/10. 

(God Tier begins here)

The New HAC Lobby Chairs: 

When I walked into the HAC to find these beautiful new chairs, I was flabbergasted. How could we be worthy of such wonderful sanctuaries for our valuable behinds? These chairs just look professional and fun, and the joy doesn’t end there. They are fully cushioned, cradling my body. Also, they have wheels and little trays. I didn’t want the two minutes to end. 10/10.

The Big Comfy AC Chairs: 

These wonderful specimens should receive praise like no other. I’ve grouped these chairs together because there are no other choices like them. Every single one of them is unique and comfortable. From the bean bag chairs to the tall chairs, they make me feel sophisticated and comfortable. Is there a better combination? A round of applause to the library chairs, 15/10.

The Couch in Jen Hamilton’s Office 

Here, we arrive at the god tier of seating at our school. While not a chair, this couch is so wonderful that I simply must include it. Words cannot describe how comforting this couch is. So I will use a Shakespearean line. “But soft what light through yonder window breaks, it is the East and Hamilton’s couch is the sun.” Simply an excellent couch. 20/10.