by Campbell Bates, Staff Writer, February 2022
With Valentine’s Day approaching, it is typical to be worried about where your relationship stands. Sometimes it is hard to differentiate the insignificant things from the detrimental flaws, so here are ten examples of red flags to avoid in a partner. If identified, these serve as probable cause for immediate breakup.
- Your partner does not read The Nobleman
Starting off with perhaps the most obvious red flag, this one is a telltale sign that your sweetheart is not a keeper. If they aren’t up to date on the latest school news, or don’t understand the references to back page memes, how can you possibly hold an interesting conversation? The best part of this one is that you have an excuse to break up with them, and without having read this article, they’ll have no idea why.
- Your partner wears shorts in the winter
If this statement applies to you, it is important that you first check-in on your partner to see if they’re doing alright. The only excuse is if they have a fever—in which case they should not be at school anyways. One would only do this to prove their strength in enduring sub-freezing New England temperatures, but as Provost Bill Bussey articulated in assembly, “You’re not a hero.”
- Your partner does not enjoy Pasta Wednesdays
Now my guess is that this one will get a lot of people, but it is a very important one. Though this is controversial, Pasta Wednesdays are a pillar of the Nobles experience and are a constant in an ever-changing world. If you can’t count on your partner, you can always count on pasta waiting for you come Wednesday. On a more serious note, pasta is such a versatile food, and arguably one of the more romantic meals, according to Lady and the Tramp.
- Your partner has a good school photo
This may seem counterintuitive, but everybody knows that school photos lie. If someone asks you to show them a picture of whom you are dating and you pull up the CoffeePond picture from the previous fall, the only logical explanation is that you don’t want to show what they really look like.
- Your partner orders yogurt pretzels from the school store
This is self explanatory.
- Your partner does not eat pineapple on their pizza
Unless they are allergic to pineapple, or pizza for that matter, there is no excuse for refusing Hawaiian pizza. It is undeniably the most genius combination of ingredients. I agree, it doesn’t make any sense, but neither does love. This was published without the consent of Daniel Wang, managing editor of The Nobleman and pizza purist.
- Your partner is featured on @ng.awfulparking
Every single post on that account is disgraceful. Besides the fact that it is embarrassing, it is not worth compromising your morals, no matter how amazing you might think your partner is. It only takes a second to correct a parking job, or to find a spot that is not reserved for the handicapped. Please don’t fall for criminals; it’s a slippery slope.
- Your partner does not dress up for Halloween
It is tolerable if your partner is over the age of 15 and does not trick-or-treat because it is noble to leave candy for the younger children. What is not tolerable is if your partner does not wear a costume to school. At other schools, this may not be so much of a problem, but the biggest part of participating in Halloween is coming up with an interesting costume. A good rule of thumb is that the amount of effort one puts into Halloween is directly tied to the amount of effort they are willing to put into other important things, such as your relationship.
- Your partner does not finish the food on their plate
If you hate the environment, just say it. How can you expect them to care about you if they don’t even care about the earth?
If you have not answered “yes” to any of these questions, your relationship is sound. For those of you that will now be single for Valentine’s Day, you are better off. You cannot compromise your values for anyone. You deserve more. These red flags are fool-proof, so even if you are not currently in a relationship, remember them for later. Happy searching!