by Chris Tillen, Staff Writer, February 2022

The newest piece of celebrity news has hit the world like an explosive meteorite. Elon Musk and Grimes have separated, less than a year after they welcomed their child y=mx+b into this blessed world. I was personally shocked at this news, but then I looked into our directory and realized that Musk’s ex-girlfriend was actually a student at our school! How could I not have known that Will Grimes (Class II), a famous celebrity, was enrolled as a junior? I knew that I needed to research Elon Musk and Grimes’ relationship deeply and discuss the pain of the breakup with the woman herself. 

Firstly, we can’t forget where the lovebirds got their start. Musk and Grimes embarked on their three year long romantic journey when Musk slithered into Grimes’ DMs. The handsome billionaire was reportedly infatuated over Grimes’ unique and beautiful mind. When asked about these first days in the budding romance, Grimes said, “I have no idea what you’re talking about, I have never met Elon Musk in my life.” Clearly Grimes is hurting from the breakup and does not want to reveal the past of the now destroyed relationship, but I won’t let that stop me from finding the truth of this couple’s story.

Was the relationship all sunshine and rainbows? It certainly seemed so in the public eye. Grimes and Musk sported matching anime profile pictures in a true display of affection. “I’ve never watched anime. And I never had a matching profile pic with Elon Musk,” replied the befuddled singer extraordinaire when asked about the profile pictures. Yet another instance where Grimes seemingly rejected my questions. Some would say respect the privacy of the star, but I believe continuing to ask intrusive questions about her failed relationship is the only path towards healing.

Grimes and Musk did have their troubles. How could the extremely liberal, anti-imperialist fall for the mega-billionaire with questionable business dealings? Maybe these star-crossed lovers were stimulated by their discourse. Or maybe they hid their true selves from each other. When I asked Grimes why the couple stayed together for those three years, he simply refused to respond.

Of course the most significant and memorable part of this relationship was the birth of their child eiπ+1=0. Known for his innovative name based off of the couple’s favorite algebraic line, this baby could have healed the couple. But instead, their Twitter arguments continued to light up the internet. “I’m 16 years old, not 40. Why on Earth would I even have Twitter?” Grimes said when asked about the many social media battles between her and her former partner. Perhaps the star deleted her account because the memories were just too unbearingly painful. 

Supposedly, Grimes and Musk had an explosive argument over non-fungible tokens (NFTs) the night before they called it quits. Musk was continuing to spam Twitter with his passionate desire to “Nuke Mars!” when Grimes asked her beloved to explain what an NFT was. Musk was furious over the question, reportedly screaming at Grimes because she wasn’t educated enough on the fiscal underpinnings of the modern era. That was it for Grimes. While the couple is supposedly “semi-separated,” they formally terminated their involvement in September, 2021. 

Based on the paparazzi pictures, Grimes is not handling the breakup well. She was spotted carrying Karl Marx’s “Communist Manifesto” while walking the streets of Los Angeles.  After I showed the picture and asked for a response, Grimes said, “That is very obviously someone who does not look like me. Why would you think that’s me? I mean, I have read the Communist Manifesto but it wasn’t recently.” Maybe comrade Grimes is just lying to hide her true allegiance.  

Now we bring to you the hottest piece of news that’s ever touched this trashbag of a planet. Grimes’ rumored second pregnancy. After the singer posted an animated picture featuring a prominent baby bump, fans were ablaze with speculation. “I am biologically male and it is physically impossible for me to get pregnant. I’m not going to give birth, I never have given birth and I am never going to give birth,” responded Grimes to my inquiries on the exciting pregnancy. To me, that sounds like a confirmation! The world can’t wait for another Grusk child. 

I had to push further and ask about potential names for the new coming baby. Would Grimes shock the world by naming her child another equation? Or maybe this time the name would just be shapes. I unfortunately never got the chance to ask, as after I interrogated the singer on her pregnancy, Grimes got up and left the room. After this interview, one thing is clear: if you spot Will Grimes in the Shattuck Hallways cursing Tesla while reading Karl Marx, give her some space. These are challenging times.