by David Hermanson, Staff Writer, January 2022
The Nobles Bathroom Tier List
Ignore all the other articles. Teacher accountability and tenure problems? Nah, sorry Chris. This is the one that matters most. Unless you like your relaxing restroom time with a side of strange stains and smells, it is crucial that the Nobles community is made aware of which bathrooms in the school are the best and which, despite many, many, efforts, are the worst. While some may argue such information should remain a secret so as to avoid overflow, it is the responsibility of the Nobleman to deliver the truth no matter the consequences. Coming in hot with the most important news, your esteemed writer brings you a simplified categorization of the best (and worst) bathrooms at the school. Let us begin.
Top Three: (From Best to Worst)
1: Single Stall Castle Bathroom
Inarguably the best in the school, this bathroom earns a high rating in nearly every category. Consistently clean, comfortable, and containing ample space to break down should you need to assuage yourself after a horrible test, this bathroom is simply the best. The addition of a high quality mirror also means you’ll be able to pep talk yourself before running out to join your friends or your crush at lunch. One would be hard pressed to find any problems with this near-work of art.
2: General Castle Bathroom
While most would agree single stall bathrooms reign supreme, this public contender gives a good fight, earning it a solid second place finish. This bathroom earns this spot for much the same reasons as its single stall friend on the same floor. (See above) Generally clean, heated, and well looked after, this bathroom is perhaps underrated and underused despite its many benefits simply because of its lack of private space. Modern, sleek, and architecturally interesting, these bathrooms also earn bonus points for their visual appeal.
3: Academic Center Single Stalls
Spacious and generally clean, these bathrooms earn their third place spot in part because they are surrounded by chaos and serve as one of the few places to get peace and quiet in the Academic Center. While occasionally smelly due to their small size, these bathrooms only rarely disappoint when called upon to do their duty. In addition, these bathroom’s swivel locks are unparalleled, making them feel safe from pesky intruders.
Honorable Mention: Upstairs Shattuck Single Stall Bathrooms
Perhaps a controversial choice, these bathrooms earn an honorable mention due to their use of natural lighting, good location, and cleanliness. While some may complain about lack of airflow and occasional messiness, these bathrooms are still solidly above average when compared to the rest. The only consistent complaint one could make for these bathrooms would be that their locks do little to inspire confidence. Personally, I find myself constantly checking to make sure that the door is locked before I eventually decide to just huck my backpack in the way in case someone tries to barge in.
Bottom Three: (From Bad to God-Awful)
1: General Shattuck Bathrooms (First floor)
While some may appreciate these bathrooms in a pinch, the fact that the boys and girls bathrooms are by the freshman and sophomore alcoves respectively significantly decreases their value. In addition, it is no secret that these bathrooms have an odorous scent that is sure to turn away users unless they are in absolute dire need. These bathrooms are just grimy.
2: Single Stall Arts Center Bathrooms:
These foul excuses of lavatories have a reputation for being nothing other than harbingers of sin and decay with an ample amount of clogging to top it all off. If you’re in one of these, I would strongly suggest you watch out for strange stains. Smelly, gross, and likely just used for scandalous purposes that are not school appropriate, these bathrooms should be your last choice should you be in the vicinity of the Arts Center.
3: General Academic Center Bathrooms:
Easily dead last, this bathroom has close to zero redeemable qualities. In addition to always seeming to be out of toilet paper and basic bathroom materials, these restrooms consistently seem to find themselves clogged in some capacity due to unfortunate plumbing designs. The fact that there is no privacy is just icing on the cake for this proverbial failure of a restroom.
Honorable Mention: Baker Bathrooms
Painfully average and with few good qualities, these bathrooms somehow leave you feeling yucky for no particular reason after using them. It’s not that they’re bad per say, but they just aren’t amazing. These bathrooms, many would say, are truly forgettable.