by Zac Gordon, Staff Writer, December 2021

As the spectre of private high school application deadlines arise, our campus grows inundated with tourists who fill our halls with “ooh”s and “aah”s while ogling the Castle in its full glory. Many students find themselves internally debating whether or not to interject in a conversation between a ‘tourist’ and a friend to say something hilariously out of context that will surely confuse, and possibly frighten, any prospective students. I encourage all those who might be skeptical of whether to interrupt or not to do so. We encourage you to PLEASE stray from the overused remark of “happy birthday,” though, so here are a few helpful suggestions of what to say. 

Jokes you will definitely not get in trouble with the administration for saying:

“Hey, have you gotten your COVID test back yet? I heard you’re a close contact. It’s running rampant right now.”

Beware of making this comment around elderly guests, who may clutch their pearls and pull a fifth mask out of their purses.

“Glad to see you’re back after your suspension!”

Bonus points if following this comment, the tourist takes an extended trip to “use the restroom,” never to rejoin the tour.

“Hey, sorry I can’t meet up with you all later to go streaking on campus.”

The Nobleman denounces streaking of all forms.

‘I’m so sorry for your loss. If there is anything I can do, just let me know.”

Please be sure to check the tour guide did not recently experience a loss. Even goldfish can be a sore spot.

“Joe, I saw that you got a 23andMe test back! I’m sorry to hear he isn’t your real father.”

Unearthing family secrets is a great way to encourage prospective students to open themselves up.

“Did you hear that there was another hit-and-run in the parking lot today?”

Not even funny. Regardless of when you say it, this one will probably be true. Hope the touring students have fun on the bus for their four years after hearing this one!

“Dude, so not cool. Can you come clean up your mess in the bathroom, it got all over the walls! …[long pause] Your coffee got the counter all sticky!”

Ah, bathroom humor.

“Lacey, how’s the baby?” 

There is no baby.

“Yoooo congrats!!!” [Wait till they give you a high five] “I heard you’re not the father!”

Congratulating a tour guide on the results of their paternity test is a surefire way to startle a visiting student. As you may have noticed, babies are a good area of humor.
We at The Nobleman want to thank you for reading our list of helpful suggestions for what you can say to scare off any interested applicants. As the administration has taken remarks to tour guides very lightly in the past, we again want to encourage you to be original in your comments. Disclosure – The Nobleman is not responsible for the decline in prospective students.