- How do I get my boyfriend to be nice to me?
Dear Lamenting Lover,
We’ve got one word for you: Pavlov. He holds the door for you? Toss him a Skittle. He compliments you? Chuck a Kit Kat at his face. The wonders of psychology are at your disposal. Is this manipulative and morally questionable? Absolutely. If you have morals just break up with him.
- I am deeply in love with Ava Neal (Class II) but I have a boyfriend. What should I do?
Dear Ava Neal’s secret admirer,
I am truly grateful you came to us for help because the solution couldn’t be more simple.
Break up with your boyfriend.
Yes, you read that correctly.
Boyfriends come and go (and don’t do much in general), but Ava Neal is a once-in-a-lifetime person. A blessing in mom jeans.
I doubt you’ll get with her because she is out of everyone’s league, but feeling that love for Ava cures the worst diseases and clears up your skin. It gets you A-pluses on each exam and freshens your breath.
Boyfriends are disposable, but Ava Neal is forever.
- Is Ryan Sanghavi (Class I) single?
Dear Ryan’s future spouse,
I’m honestly too scared to ask him, but I’m going to assume that he is.
In the case that he is not in a relationship, here are some easy tricks to win over his heart 🙂
- Create a crossword puzzle in his honor, expressing your love for him.
- Call him to express your love for him. He won’t pick up, but he’ll be flattered
- Compliment his car. (Note: calling it a “tin can” or a “death trap” or a “Chevy at the levee if the Chevy made me want to cry” will not express your love for him).
- Why does it seem like I have a forcefield around me? Everyone that I go near takes two steps back.
Dear Lonesome Straggler,
Let’s keep this between you and me, but how often do you rinse off? Too personal perhaps, but a quick shower in the MAC lockers before assembly might help your case. We both know there’s nothing more attractive than the smell of hand soap.
Maybe watch the quantity of garlic bread and asparagus you eat in the morning? Stay safe and keep your meals aromatic.
If it’s not your hygiene that’s driving lovers away, you can always take a temporary vow of silence and see if it is really is just your personality.