by Zac Gordon, Staff Writer, December 2021
Being the thorough investigative journalist that I am, I make sure to do my weekly dumpster diving routine in order to discover any scathing documents the school is trying to hide. After coming up empty, aside from a handful of slimy banana peels and some discarded editions of The Nobleman, I thought it might be more beneficial to check personal faculty mailboxes. Lurking around campus last Friday, I discovered the following letter from Dr. Hall to Santa Claus. Readers enjoy.
Merry Christmas from Campus Drive. Are you workin’ hard or hardly workin’? Just kidding! So silly. I am sure that as the holidays near, you have a lot on your plate (besides a large pile of cookies… wow, I’m so bad!). All jokes aside, I hope you and the elves are getting ready to spread some of that holiday magic. I hope you all agree that I have been good this year!
Here’s my wish list:
- For students to stop making inflammatory remarks at tour guides
- Never to have to wear the sweaty bulldog suit for a Nobles-Milton video again
- Hoverboards, because when it gets really cold out the fire started from the board will keep me warm
- Rainbow Loom because it’s so relevant and popular!
- A day in which I don’t have to speak in assembly for ten minutes when Bill and Mike can’t find performers
- A year-long subscription to Principals Weekly
- A ten speed bike
- For Mr. Reid to teach me how to chop firewood
- For this whole COVID thing to blow over!
- Desserts back in the Castle every day… The mints in my office don’t satisfy my sweet tooth
- Speaking of which, a window shade and a lock. The open door policy has gone too far
- For people to stop asking me to clarify the dress code. NO ONE ENFORCES IT ANYWAYS!
- For NTC to do more than one musical a year. They’re so good!
- For Mr. Kovacs to pull up in his ice cream truck on the reg
PLEASE MAKE SURE NOT TO TELL DR. HALL THAT SANTA IS NOT REAL (apologies to any of our readers who thought he was)! We wouldn’t want to ruin her holiday fun. Now that we know what she wants I encourage anyone willing to help fulfill her Christmas wish list. Happy Holidays from The Nobleman! Disclosure: The Nobleman did not violate any federal laws by opening her mail. We only broke into her house and stole the letter before it was sent.