by David Hermanson, Staff Writer, December 2021
Oh to be Mr. Bryant. Arguably one of the most well known teachers at Nobles, Mr. Bryant has prided himself on forging students who are adept at not only writing, but speech and debate and a variety of other skills as well. Though his methods are effective, some have alleged that they are somewhat intimidating and that perhaps the man rules through fear. Machiavelli would be proud. Even now as I write this article, I quake in fear of his infamously _____ edits and worry about his thoughts____…
Yet despite his inhuman abilities, the ability to never sleep or to detect “ums” from a mile away, for example, Mr. Bryant is not immune to the earthly desires of Christmas time.
#1: Pack of Sprite
While the rest of Nobles goes for the “my body is a temple” approach, Mr. Bryant defies the odds and simply says, “nah.” Inarguably his favorite beverage, Sprite has fueled Mr. Bryant’s sleepless nights for years. Despite the overwhelming sugar content, Mr. Bryant is almost always seen chugging one of these bad boys in between classes. Doctors say that given enough time Mr. Bryant’s body will fuse with the contents within the drink and he will become none other than Sprite Man.
#2: Grade-Be-Gone Machine (With Student-Remover Extension)
Want your essay from last week returned? Last month? Last year? Tough luck. To ease the annoyance caused to him by begging students, a Grade-Be-Gone Machine would allow Mr. Bryant to move onwards with his basketball practices in peace without those pesky ungraded assignments hanging over his head.
#3: A Flawless Essay
For Mr. Bryant, this would be the first time he has ever received such a gift. Never in his entire tenure here at Nobles has Mr. Bryant ever read an essay to which he could point to and say, “No mistakes.”
We’re not talking small paragraphs though as we need to bring on the juice to make this gift worthwhile. A well formatted five to seven page essay, including a rebuttal with an acknowledgement and successful diffusion, is the LEAST you can do to please Mr. Bryant on Christmas day. Good luck though… This one may take a couple dozen more years of schooling before you are able to appease him.
If all else fails and you are truly dredging from the bottom of the barrel, a well written thank-you card to Mr. Bryant, or any of your teachers for that matter, will also likely suffice. Merry Christmas Mr. Bryant.