by Zac Gordon, Staff Writer, November 2021

From homework to papers, tests to extracurriculars, clubs to afternoon programs, students are known for having mountains of work to do everyday. This burden, combined with the mounting social pressures exerted by friends and family, can cause many students to lose their precious sleep.  As a self-identified master of sleep deprivation, I have created a comprehensive guide for all students who have found themselves nodding off during their science doubles and have no way to cut down on their responsibilities..

Option One: Drink 12+ cups of coffee at 7:00 a.m.

Caffeine is absolutely essential to stay awake and alert for an entire day until you leave school at 7:00 p.m. after your clubs, afternoon programs, and singing groups, and can finally collapse into a pile of boneless meat. After all, having vaguely trembling hands and your thoughts rush through your head at 100 miles per hour is better than missing out on that important lecture about the Catholic Reformation, right? Sure, caffeine addictions are a thing, but there’s an easy way to solve that: just don’t stop drinking coffee. 

Option Two: Power nap during your frees.

There is a special place at Nobles. A sort of safe haven, if you will. It’s a wonderful place, a magical place full of tranquility and refreshing energy. I am talking, of course, about the single stall bathroom in the Academic Center. This is the perfect place to go during your frees. Did you have barely four hours of sleep last night because you were writing your U.S. History paper? No fear, the Academic Center bathroom is here. Just pop in, lock the door, dim the lights and you’re all set for a brief snooze session before you have your next class.

Option Three: Hold open your eyelids with binder clips.

Listen, this might seem a bit extreme, but it gets the job done. Sometimes, forcing your eyes open is the only way to avoid dissolving into a snoring mess. Binder clips are cheap and easy to find, right? And that stinging pain is actually pretty helpful for making sure you don’t nod off. The red marks on your face might not be the most attractive if you’re planning on seeing ] people later, but desperate times call for desperate measures. If everything above has not worked for you, I’m afraid this is one of your final resorts. 

Option Four: Have Your Friend Slap You

Once again I will emphasize the importance of pain. Pain will wake up your fight or flight instincts or something. I don’t know, I don’t take biology but that sounds about right. If you can’t find a friend to inflict a healthy dose of pain upon your facial region, I’m sure it’s not difficult to find someone who really hates you to give you an amicable slap to the cheek. However this is not a permanent solution so I would suggest constant slapping to guarantee a more sustained awakeness

Option Five: Fashion a dummy in place of yourself. 

Alright. So no other recommendations have worked and you still can’t get yourself to make it through that science double? Create a fake version of yourself by fashioning a standard straw dummy and stuff it in that gray Nobles hoodie. When your teacher turns aside for a spare moment, immediately plant the dummy and run out of the class. Possible places to go nap include the dance studio, the senior alcoves, and the various single stalled bathrooms across campus. It’s true that the plan may have a couple of holes in it, but if you’re truly struggling and none of these other tips have worked for you, this is your best chance. God forbid you miss a class or a quiz and take a day of rest from the rigorous school schedule. Even the thought of that makes me laugh.