by Zac Gordon, Staff Writer, October 2021
As Halloween approaches every year, the aisles at CVS are ravaged by a mass quest to find colorful clumps of sugary trash to put in our bodily temples. In the buildup to this awe-inspiring act of American consumption, The Nobleman has taken the liberty of researching what the popular goodies are this year on behalf of you candy-giver-outers. We strongly advise candy patrons to take note, as the punishment for a bad selection can be finding your house TPed the first morning of November.
Numero uno on The Nobleman’s list of popular candies is veggie straws. What makes veggie straws so darn good is that you feel healthy while eating them. Ryan Collins (Class II) suggested that AJ Cashman (Class II) is a fiend for veggie straws. And so, as a responsible journalist, I went on the hunt for the deets. AJ gave no comment but I later found him skipping Mr. Polebaum’s AP Euro class to snack in private. He is a shy eater.
Second on the list of The Nobleman’s list of popular candies is Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. This confection ranks second because of its devoted fan base. I am sure many are not surprised by this, as it is not uncommon to find yourself hunched over the kitchen sink at 2:00 a.m. devouring the scrumptious candy. One of these Reese’s lovers is Chris Tillen (Class II). He explains that the real appeal of the candy is that, “I just love the way my throat closes up and I get really itchy when I eat them.”
Third on the list is chocolate. Evan Heath (Class II) confessed that he constantly craves chocolate and it takes everything he has to not leave campus and go on a three hour chocolate binge. However, we do not recommend that you purchase the delicious king size Hershey bars, which some favor, but rather the more popular 97 percent gourmet dark chocolate bars from Whole Foods which taste as bitter as soured goat’s milk with a little dirt sprinkled in. Just focus on all those antioxidants in the dark chocolate; they are all the rage.
Fourth are apples and toothbrushes. This preference is bolstered less by taste but by good sense. Listen up, concerned parents (and future parents) who want to avoid the mounds of sugar wiring their kids till all hours playing frisbee in the house. Henry Saltzman (Class II) said, “I like the houses that give you apples and toothbrushes because I want my children to be healthy” (he doesn’t have any children yet, but he is stockpiling for the future).
Fifth… Lily Penzone (Class II) insisted that Haribo Gummy Bears should be added to this list of recommended goodies. She said that when it comes to candy, “I like gummy bears the most.” However, Penzone added that, “It all depends on my mood because you can get sick of all of them really quickly.” Also in the gummy category, Riley Park (Class II) strongly recommends gummy worms, particularly for their aesthetic appeal, expressing “I think it’s so cool how the colors go from one color to another color, to another color.” We recommend that any trick-or-treaters looking to score some gummy worms walk expeditiously; the early bird always gets the gummy worm.
Twix caramel-chocolate bar’s fan, Alex St. John (Class III) explained, “I know it’s pretty basic, but I like Twix because it has exactly 24 grams of sugar per serving.” By eating one bar, a student can easily surpass their daily quota of 50 grams of sugar a day, especially if combined with any of the other items on this list. Swivelling around in his chair, Bryan Kearns (Class II) could not help but reminisce over how his love for Twix and people’s misplaced faith in society intertwined. He said, “It’s really nice when [lazy] people trust you won’t take all their candy, so they just leave the bowl on their front stoop. It makes it easy to fill my pillowcase.” When it comes to Twix, lazy candy-givers load up!
Given the variety of outlandish sweet-treats, it’s no surprise that many members of the Nobles community hold different favorites in their hearts. Now, as candy-givers face the burden of picking their poison, our advice is to look under your bed for the pillowcase filled with last year’s candy, dump it in a bowl and put it out on your stoop. Then pray that someone takes it off your hands, and go eat some kale.