by Chris Tillen, Staff Writer, October 2021

In the tumultuous competition between the holidays, Halloween stands out as a shining beacon of creativity and self-expression. I vehemently believe that Halloween is not only the best holiday of all time but the most important day of the year. In order to properly honor this holy grail of the human experience, one requires the absolute best costume. As I am a connoisseur of all things Halloween, I will show you the steps it takes to pay appropriate tribute to this sacred holiday. 

Before I begin, I must condemn all the barbarians who have desecrated the tradition with their sacrilegious costumes. Let’s dive into some of the most offensive types of costumes proudly worn on October 31. 

Firstly, any last-minute costumes. Throwing on a bedsheet to parade as a ghost or saying that you’re ‘Zac Efron when he’s not filming” while wearing normal clothes isn’t clever or funny. It’s sad. Waiting until the night before is utterly dishonorable. Halloween is the pinnacle of the year, and everyone should start preparing on November 1 of the year before. 

Secondly, any mainstream costumes. Halloween is a deeply personal holiday about expressing what your soul wants to dress up as. To take that privilege away from yourself and replace it with a zombie mask is like stealing candy from a beautiful, pure, infant. 

Finally, there are Party City costumes. Even saying the name causes my stomach to churn. Party City costumes represent everything that ruins Halloween. They’re flashy and grossly mainstream. If you even think about coming to school in a Party City costume, turn around and walk back out the door. If you see another student in a Party City costume, it is paramount that you find a way to burn it. 

The essence of Halloween is creativity, and all the above abominations stifle that. In order to revel in the fruits of Halloween, you must treat it as a full-time job. All your energy should go towards preparing for this highly important event. But what are the steps in this long process? Allow me to explain the perfected method, which I have derived from my decades of professional experience. 

As the clock strikes midnight on November 1 of the year before, your journey begins. The first session is brainstorming, where genius new ideas are born. This process cannot be rushed, and you should aim to spend about three to four hours a day sitting in a sensory deprivation room just thinking about potential costumes. These costumes should mean a lot to you personally, and they must be difficult to make. Think of strong, personal memories and then make them bigger. For example, if you went to Disney World with your family as a child and you want to capture that joyful experience in a costume, I would advise you to get a degree in engineering. It’ll take some serious science to go as the entire theme park. 

Once you have completed the brainstorming stage, you must move on to the design stage. Here is where you capitalize on your ingenuity and intellect as you create the blueprints for your masterpiece. Do not slack on the design, as constructing a fragile costume that crumbles is the greatest humiliation known to all life on Earth. 

After solidifying your diagram, it is absolutely vital that you get a patent for your revolutionary idea. You cannot allow it to get stolen, and if unpatented, it will get snatched from your fingertips. Halloween is a Darwinistic venture: only the fittest survive. In any well-respected practice, everyone wants to be the best. Get a patent so that you remain at the top of the costume-making food chain. 

Next, you must gather the resources. All true Halloween costumes are made entirely from scratch, which means that if you have wood in your costume, you should be out in the forest with an ax. From steel you forge yourself to fabric you spin and weave, this will make your showpiece pop. 

The final step is the longest one, and it’ll take you right up until the late hours of Thursday, October 28, this year. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for: building your masterpiece. Gather your materials and blueprints and turn imagination into reality. 

After walking you through the extensive and rewarding journey of making the perfect Halloween costume, I hope you feel empowered to make the best of your Halloween. It may be too late this year for you to fully dedicate yourself, but next year I expect to see the hallways lined with patented, self-engineered, original Halloween costumes. Go forth, my pupils, and dominate the Halloween exhibition with your ingenuity and newfound expertise.